My Yearly Birthday Evaluation

Hello, world!

June 7th is my birthday and when it approached I started writing this blog post.

Every year when my birthday comes around I like to spend a lot of time thinking of all the things that are associated with becoming another year older. I agonize over whether I’ve done enough of the things I really want to be doing with my life or whether or not I’ve already accomplished the long list of things I had hoped to do by now. I recognize that if there are things I wish I was doing (like this blog) it is up to me and only me to do it. I know I can do it but fear and anxiety still hold me back. I don’t want it to- but the truth is that I’m afraid because if I start blogging then you’ll know me better. You just might see the real me.

I don’t want to be afraid, but the truth is I have anxiety and depression and it’s always there lurking in the shadows causing this ready-to-spring-at-any-moment crippling fear. You wouldn’t know all this just from knowing me. I try to pretend to be stoic and poised and always at my best manners. I will smile at you forever and Asian winky face at you until you laugh. None of this is ever fake, I love to shine on others to try to brighten their days, but when it comes to myself I like solitude. I don’t like people to see me when I’m hurting or inexplicably sad or panicked.  I want everything to be perfect but it can’t. I want this blog to be perfect and sunshine and rainbows and glitter- but I’m afraid the more I write, the more of my true self that I reveal, the more vulnerable I become. I’d like to break the cycle and try to use it as a strength.

One of my incredibly smart besties recently had a lengthy conversation with me about how the dream of everything perfect seems unrealistic. In every story, there has to be some sort of conflict. I realized if I want to write, I can still write about makeup and cooking and the things in my life that bring me joy and sadness. There are no guidelines. When I started this blog, I remember that I started it for me because I enjoyed writing. Yet I feel as though I rarely blog because I’m afraid of my weaknesses being revealed. Sometimes my anxiety and depression make my brain feel like it’s spiraling out of my control. Sometimes they are like two halves of an hourglass, slowly falling through to the depths of the other half, until one gets closer to being filled and I fight it because I desperately don’t want all the sand on one side, so I flip it over again- but I can never escape the hourglass no matter how many times I turn it and it’s a neverending battle for balance… sometimes the sand gets stuck, and then I get stuck, and I don’t know what to do and I feel my anxiety heightening and my panic rising. It is rare but I’ve had panic attacks before.  It has taken me a long time to realize that it is not a weakness, a flaw in my character as I previously viewed it; it is something I cannot control, that is beyond my control.

I am getting help and I am feeling better by the day. I started taking medication again. The last time I was having issues the medication didn’t really help me and was making me feel worse instead of better which is why I ultimately stopped. I’m having much better luck this time around. I’m happy and most importantly hopeful.

Samuel Butler once said, “Happiness and misery consist in a progression towards better or worse; it does not matter how high up or low down you are, it depends not on this, but on the direction in which you are tending.”

I feel like things are getting better. It has been a long time since I’ve truly felt this way. With nothing left to hide, my dream is to continue blogging and I know no matter what adversity may come my way I am stronger than before and that whenever I say this to myself it will eternally be true.

Love, Casy

Failure Is Not Fatal

Hello, world!

I have been crazy thinking and my brain has not stopped. There are so many things I want this blog to be. I have started and failed at my dreams because I gave up. It was too easy to do nothing because I perceived myself to be falling behind or that because I hadn’t done something I shouldn’t bother to still do it. Failing to try is the worst of all failures. One of the things I have been constantly reminding myself is to be lenient on myself. I want everything to be perfect. Yet realistically, there is much I still need to work on and many things will take time. But I am slowly making progress. Today I was able to add an e-mail subscription option to this blog, so if you would like to be notified when I post by e-mail you can now! So do it! I feel like these are the little accomplishments that I think will add up to big changes. As Winston Churchill said, “success is not final, failure is not fatal; it is the courage to continue that counts”.

So I continue.

Monday I went to yoga with my mom and did Bodypump solo afterward. I am starting for now with the lightest weights on my bar available, 2.2lbs, and using a 5.5lbs weight for non-bar exercises.

The postcard Cory sent me from Boston.

Tuesday I took a rest day from the gym and I received a postcard from Cory. He has been working in Boston for the last month and his commute is often 3+ hours a day. He still comes home every day so there’s never a day I don’t see him but he is often exhausted and he goes to sleep earlier as a result. I thought it was very sweet that even when he is in Boston, he wanted to mail me something from there to let me know he was thinking of me. He also offered me one of his famous Asian massages he’s perfected and I gladly accepted on behalf of my self-care initiative. It was incredibly relaxing and after being so sore felt amazing on my body.

Wednesday when I got out of work I went to Zumba with my mom. I’m sure to others we were visibly new but I reminded myself and her it will get easier the more we come. It was also really fun! I laughed more than I expected to and the instructor told us to be wild. There’s something really enjoyable about dancing really badly and sweating so much because you’re dancing like a madwoman.

I went home after Zumba to spend a little time with the puppies before Cory and I went back to the gym for their last class of the day, Bodypump. I was excited to have Cory by my side working out too. I once read an article about how couples who work out together are more likely to stay together; hopefully, we will both be super motivated and it will just foster a whole new relationship between us. Cory hadn’t been to the gym in 311 days and weighed in at 327lbs. He set a goal for himself to get down to 275lbs.

It was Cory’s first Bodypump class ever. Less than halfway through, Cory needed a break so he stepped out of the room. After a couple songs and sets, Cory still had not returned so I ran out quickly to see if he was alright. I found him walking on a treadmill and he informed me he was done. I couldn’t believe he could be so quick to give up! I understand that the class is strenuous but I also know from personal experience that if you start to feel weak you rest for a minute or do a modified easier version of the move. I would never think “this is too hard, I should just give up”! I told him “you don’t want to be a quitter!” and he agreed and came back. We were on a roll until the instructor announced next we would be doing ab work and with 7 minutes remaining in the class, Cory left again. I was disappointed and Cory missed all of the cool down stretching that probably would’ve made him feel a little better.

When the class was over Cory came back inside to help put away his equipment and a nice woman named Erin approached him. She told him that she had seen him leave earlier but was so happy that he had come back to try again. She told us both to just make sure we keep coming and we’ll get better. She told us about how she used to be a lot heavier and how working out has made her feel better and made her mind more zen. I feel like I can already feel it happening to me. Especially during yoga, it’s probably the only time my brain isn’t racing and can just be put to rest (even during Cory’s amazing massages, I have been guilty of not enjoying them fully by thinking and talking and Cory has had to implicitly tell me to just lie there). Working out helps my brain from being so chaotic.

When Cory and I returned home we had a big talk about giving up. In life, the path of least resistance that will always be easiest is to do nothing. It applies to my blog, as it applies to the gym, as it applies to everything. Never give up! It ended with Cory recommitting to trying and a promise to not give up next time.


Thursday was another rest day. The puppies are committing to eating healthy too and Lily kindly proofreads my handwritten blog drafts.

Friday we decided last minute to go out to dinner to celebrate Cory’s huge accomplishment of finally paying off the loan on his car! Woooooo! This is excellent for both of us because now neither of us has a car payment! So that is just extra money in our pocket!

Cory receives the title for his car!

Today is Saturday and my mom, Cory and myself all went to Bodypump this morning and got three spaces right up front. Cory was so proud of himself that he completed a full class and he told me that my words of encouragement helped him do it! I am also really proud of him. We took pictures afterward in the mirror to put on the blog so that one day we will have starting pictures to compare.

I don’t love the picture of me but I do really love my shirt. Better, Faster, Stronger, Happier. These words definitely reflect me and the goals I want to accomplish. I’m going to get there, and I won’t give up this time.

Love, Casy


The Starting Point

Hello world!

Yesterday is my new starting point.

I woke up and the first thing I thought was “if not now, then when?” and got out of bed. Thursday night I had set my alarm to 7:30 am for Friday morning and my intention was to wake up and try to accomplish some self-care related goals I had set previously. To decide how to set these goals I decided to find loose guidelines and figure out what I could do that would work for me both immediately and in the future. Wikipedia states that self-care relevant to health care is any necessary human regulatory function which is under individual control, deliberate and self-initiated. In philosophy, self-care refers to the care and cultivation of self in a comprehensive sense, focusing in particular on the soul and the knowledge of self. The funny thing about self-care, at least in my experience, is that if I don’t actually set aside time to do specific things they will not get done. Life is so busy and stressful that the thought of doing something deliberately only for myself seems so selfish when I could be doing something else to benefit more than just myself. As a result, I often don’t. So basically if I fail to plan, I plan to fail.

I went to the gym yesterday for the first time in 297 days. 297!!!! It seems crazy to me but when I scanned my gym card into their system, a low alarm sounded and the guy at the desk gave me this shocking fact and welcomed me back. It was only slightly embarrassing as regular gym members (I can only assume) surrounded me. Undeterred, I made it to the 8:30 yoga class. I have taken yoga classes before but this one seemed different. Every pose I took I tried to be mindful of my breathing and reminded myself that I was setting aside this block of time specifically for self-care reasons. Instead of being upset when I could not hold a pose through the instructor’s count, I was happy to be stretching and improving my body. When she told me to do a Cobra Pose and lift my heart to the sky, her words genuinely made me feel better and as I stretched deeper and lifted my heart to the sky I felt my worries lessen and my heart actually feel lighter. I was terrible at maintaining a plank because my core is so weak, I used two yoga mats because I was afraid the floor would hurt my knees/spine, and when we had finished even my toes hurt from the unfamiliarity of being stretched apart and having to hold up my heavy body- but none of that mattered because I was doing it for myself and know in my heart I was doing my best and there will only be room to improve.

When the class was over the next class was almost immediately starting and women began to walk into the room and spread out. Out of curiosity, I asked a woman walking in about it and she told me it was a Les Mills Bodypump cardio weightlifting class and then exclaimed “you should stay!” so I did. Something about the energy in the room that these women brought made me feel like it would be worth staying for. I went up to the instructor and told her I was new and asked her about the equipment I should get ready to prepare for the class. She happily informed me of the necessary things I would need and throughout the class was extra helpful offering instructions generally to the class and also to any new participants for modifications or weight guidelines to prevent injury. I really appreciated the consideration and I really enjoyed the class.

As I was leaving, I felt a great sense of accomplishment. 297 days out of the gym and I still had the stamina to complete two hour long classes and felt great. I weighed myself and I’m 218.6 lbs now with a 34.1 BMI. This was not the super accurate electrical BMI calculator, so this number could vary in the future but I’ll use it for now. Ideally, I would like to be 168 lbs, so here is my new starting point. A new starting point for weight loss, a new starting point for this blog, a new starting point to an era of self-care habits that I hope will last me my whole life through.

After the class was completed I went home to try to focus more on my self-care goals. I came home and took a relaxing shower, making sure to use all my extra girly self-care products. I cleaned the bath tub knowing that at some point in the near future I would like to take a bath.


Blowout magic. Also, SOO much hair!

I took the time to look up Youtube videos of blowout tutorials and gave myself one. If my arms weren’t going to hurt from working out, they certainly felt like they might fall off after the over an hour it took to carefully section and round brush blow dry all of my hair while holding a heavy blow dryer. Holding my arms up for so long seemed endless and like torture after a while but I guess it was worth it. I did feel super glam afterward.


I had an amazing hour-plus long video chat with my bestie that recently moved 1,500 miles away from me. I enjoyed some protein-packed cottage cheese with pineapple while I watched some How I Met Your Mother. A package I had ordered from Sephora was delivered and I opened it and spent time excitedly trying out my new products. I gave and received tons of love from my puppies.

A paradigm shift is occurring in my life and I can feel it. I had a wonderful day filled with joy trying to live deliberately focusing on myself, my health and my happiness. I know it is not always practical to do so, but I realize it is necessary to sometimes set aside time for anything I may want to do that would contribute to my overall mental and physical wellbeing. I urge you to do the same. I hope it will bring you the happiness and satisfaction of knowing that you are worth every second you decide to invest in yourself and I hope your self-care practices will align with your big picture goals and dreams as well. I wish you the best of luck.

As George Eliot said, “it is never too late to be what you might have been”.

Love, Casy

Live Your Dream


Hello world!

I’m so sorry I haven’t written in a while. While inexcusable, I have been busy.

The first issue that occurred shortly after I last posted was I had to send my phone out for repair to HTC because my camera was taking pink tinged pictures. I know it sounds cool, and I love pink, but my warranty was expiring and it needed to get done. The phone I used for the duration of the repair was a fossil, supported nothing and did not get me closer to achieving my dream of blogging.

I spent so many days thinking about blogging. I bought supplies to make crafts that got pushed back on my to-do list as summer ended. I tried to put together a blog binder that I hoped would organize and inspire me. I hoped a functioning editorial calendar would be concise and help me schedule posts that would be more consistent than when I felt like it. I worked A LOT. I spent amazing days with my loved ones in the sun. I tried to make candy from scratch (which deserves it’s own blog post another time) and failed moderately. I got my phone back from HTC and never logged back into my lovecasyblog Instagram account so I know you’re all wondering where my awesome summer pictures are. I had too many ideas and not enough planning.

Recently, I listened to the awesomely inspiring Jim Carrey on Youtube deliver a commencement speech at the 2014 MUM graduation. He spoke of how we can spend our whole life worrying about ghosts and the paths towards the future but all we really have are the decisions in front of us which are based in either love or fear. He says so many of us base our decisions based on fear disguised as practicality. He spoke of how his father could’ve been a great comedian but instead made a conservative choice and took a safe job as an accountant. His father was let go of that job when he was a 12 and it taught him a valuable lesson: that we can fail at what we don’t want so we might as well take a chance at doing what we love.

Listening to Jim Carrey’s speech made me feel like he was talking directly to me. So many of my choices I feel like I’ve made based in fear. I began listing them but as the page became overwhelmingly full of examples, I just deleted them. From relationships, to education, to career choices, you don’t need to know all of the decisions I’ve made based on fear. I worry so much about the future because that is how I was raised, by people who also only ever worried about the future. When I was a child no one ever told me I could be or do anything I wanted. The message thrust upon me the hardest was I should obey unquestioningly to have a “successful” life, which only propelled me more violently in another direction and launched a thousand more questions which have never been answered. The world is changing. I am changing and I truly believe that I can follow my own path and succeed. I just need to work at it and never give up.

I have a dream of running a blog and sharing my life with the world. I already have the blog but as you can see from my lack of posts I’ve been scared. Fear has been weighing me down, and as the distance in blog posts becomes longer, the fear only grows larger. I worry that people may not like my blog posts, or no one will read them, and somewhere along the way I forgot that I wanted to do this for me. It’s time to end the irrational fear and start writing until my heart’s content.

I hope you’ll bear with me while I work to achieve goals I haven’t set yet.

For now, just know that fear shouldn’t hold you back from anything either.

Go live your dream!





Hello World!

Yes, it is I, Casy! Thank you so much for being so kind as to view my page!

Let me give you a little background prior to the launch of this blog:

I’m pretty awesome. Most people who don’t know me well probably think I’m “nice” and I’ve often been told I’m “too nice” like there is such a thing. I prioritize badly but for the most part I do what I want and I’m happy. I was told if I didn’t go to college and get a job I’d never do anything in life but I never believed any of those things. I have an associate’s degree, a job that pays reasonably well I don’t hate and I’m still trying to figure out what I want to do with my life. They say 30 is the new 20 and I’m not even 30 yet so I figure I have time.

I’m ready for a life “Renaissance” if you will. I’m starting this blog to try and document my life as I overhaul it to become more successful in the endeavors I choose and more in touch with what I really want to be doing. Jordan Page from the amazing blog and Gretchen Rubin from her book The Happiness Project (and many other credits to her name) have inspired me to take sincere action towards navigating my life in the direction I want it to go. If change is best when chosen, I am choosing it right now. Gretchen Rubin’s note to the reader states “whenever you read this, and wherever you are, you are in the right place to begin” and it’s resonated with me throughout the past year I’ve been considering/hoping to launch this blog. I’m finally ready. And what they say is true, a year from now you’ll wish you started today, I don’t want to feel that way one day longer.

Currently I’m in a beautiful home with my beloved and my puppies, Lily and Dozer. Decorating has been particularly difficult and currently I am still trying to decide how to decorate it. It’s a constant process.

Lily, on the left, and Dozer sleeping like usual.

Lily, on the left, and Dozer sleeping like usual.

Cory and I in front of our house when we moved in.

Cory and I in front of our house when we moved in.

I’m recently engaged for those of you that don’t know! I’ll make sure I post a full post on that later since the whole proposal was extraordinary!

I love to travel and experience new things. I’ll have to make a list of all the awesomeness I’ve encountered. My dream job would have to be to travel the world and find as many new adventures as my lifetime will allow.

I’m ready to begin.